My Excuses

              Hello, the end of the year. I am back and feel like I wanna write something here. Even though still not useful at all. But on the 31 of December, I got something different from my routine this month. I woke up at 00.12 AM. I thought it was morning already. Then how hard I try to sleep, starting counting from one to something, listening to podcast or music, or just closing my eyes and doing nothing. Still... I can't fall asleep. While doing refund my tickets by phone...then sad again but still I can't sleep again at all. HAHAHAHA Actually I hate that situation. But I still try all the things that can make me sleep. Until at 3.00 AM I felt sleepy again.                Because of my period, I wake up at 7.00 AM in the morning. Well, I feel lazy to do anything, even just walking outside. I dunno but these feet bring me to the park near my boarding house. So I listening songs with the view of p...

In these realms, there is a lot of beauty. When you travel to someplace and amaze by the horizon, you love to take a photograph. Or when you stayed at home and enjoy the moment with tea and books, also you need to transform the moment into an immortal thing: a photo. Everyone loves taking a picture and looking at again someday in the future.  Sometimes in the way we shoot, we might have an obstacle by shadows. Wondering how to minimize shadows. And it's what I looking for at this current time. I hate shadows: not truly hate. Just on a level I "cry" when I can't control it in the shoot. Hiding shoot a thing when someone asked me. But still, shoot for my collection.  Until one day I get the point: enjoy shoot without hate shadows. Rearrange the angle of shoots is one of the keys.  "Don't hate shadows when you shoot. Befriend shadows and find ways how to it can stand a beauty instead." |the end.  But I think twice about being friends with shadows.  How if w...

Or is it just a fraction effect of too much stayed at home. "The idea is priceless, you never know until you feel the way I feel today." For someone like me, hearing this come out from the closest one wouldn't bring any impact to change the way I thought. I still have nothing wrong with my routine.  Even today after a long time, I realize something that I never know before: emotional numbness. Feeling flat physically and mentally, failing to recognize the other feeling, lack of joyousness in every I do (hobbies or work). When the body does its routine, my soul feels flat. Having a boundary with friends and acquaintances. But I still feel that I exist in the right way. Because I laugh when someone laughs, I looking at and following someone's story when they tell me their own, extremely relaxed for something, and I still believe what I should believe.  Maybe this time is a war between my positive and negative buttons of consciousness. I just didn't recognize what...